I’m not good at expressing my emotions. I tend to hide them and continue with my life as if I have no worries without slowing down. The more distracted I am (I think) the better. But with every traumatic experience, one must come into terms with the process of becoming physically and mentally healthy again.
In January 2019, in Colombia, I had a miscarriage. While we enjoyed our time in Colombia, after a fun-filled day, I started to feel off. We contacted the hotel’s help desk, they called the paramedics and we were driven to a women’s health center.
I was overwhelmed and even more now to have a stranger examine me in another country. “El cérvix esta cerrado”, she said, that gave me hope, but I still had a whole week left in Colombia. While I enjoyed most of my trip, my body and soul were elsewhere and I wanted the trip to end.
I felt sad, confused, and sometimes numb. I landed in New York went to get re-examined and indeed the result was negative. I felt guilty, I thought was it the plane? the boat rides? was it my fault for still going on vacation knowing I was pregnant? The whole year became a mask. I didn’t share what happened, I kept my social life as it was and shortly realized I was at times still confused about it.
In June of last year, my body started to shut down, my menstrual was off and the doctors recommend examining my reproductive organ (scary thought). I was scared to discover what some women fear to know (can I not have kids?). As I proceeded, I was advised that I was healthy with a mild condition of thyroid hypersecretion that should be checked every year. Knowing this gave me hope, God and professionals in the field helped me realized it was up to me to treat my body with love and kindness so, after my trip to Puerto Rico, I vowed to take a break from drinking and eat clean.
So what does Puerto Rico have to do with all of this?
It was our last day in Puerto Rico (Sep’19), it was a day full of sun and love, we decided to finish off with a meditation on the beach. Nanie mi amiga del alma said, “Speak anything you want into existence…” so I prayed and said, “God, you know what I need.” On this date, almost one year had passed from my miscarriage and I found myself once again confused but hopeful. While the waters and sands of our ancestors rushed through us and we heard the sound – it was then when my healing process began.
As we returned to NY, I did everything to get my health, mind, and energy back. I was vegan for 4 weeks, stopped drinking, and took a break from the party scene. Taking control of my health helped me heal and feel better physically and mentally. I was even back on track and going to church and didn’t miss one Sunday that felt so good!
One month from our trip to PR I found out I was pregnant again. All I could think of was, God, was there on that day, on that beach, in that sunset en Puerto Rico. What are the odds that God gifts me what I dreamed of only one month from my prayer.
I will forever be grateful for that day at Ocean Park Beach.
Many of us go through experiences that others won’t understand and many of us have traveled to heal past traumatic experiences. This trip was a little different it was the start and the end of a Zeline most people loved, but now are re-learning her and her new beginnings.
Last year was rough even though I didn’t show it – but my biggest blessing came to my life despite it all, my son Landyn.
For everyone who has experienced a loss remember, no matter how along you are, your pregnancy and feelings are meaningful and valid.
Peace and love,
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